September is widely recognised as International Friendship Month. This was brought to my attention by an article about a mysterious bronze statue erected in Washington, DC, called “Best Friends Forever”, showing United States President Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein, holding hands with one leg in the air. Putting the satiric pop-up statue, aside, I started to reflect on my friendships during September.
It is instinctual to want to have friends – it’s written in our DNA. Our ancestors evolved as a collective – ancient humans thrived in tribes. From keeping safe at night to hunting for and sharing food, coming together as a community was essential for our survival. It is easy to forget that we are not that different today. Our world has indeed transformed – travel and technology mean families often live far apart, and younger generations are more likely to communicate through screens than face-to-face. As a species, we have learned to survive without a community, but are we thriving? Researchers have shown that one of the most significant contributing factors to our mental, physical and emotional health is our interactions with other human beings.
Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you – Carl Gustav Jung
As a little girl, I always wanted a best friend. A friend to play with, to confide in and who will be there through thick and thin. However, life has taught me that it is very rare that a single person can play all those parts in my life and fulfil all my needs. And so now, in my midlife, I have a few close friends, each contributing to my life differently. When you are going through a difficult time, you need the support of a friend. Not only someone who can give advice, but more importantly, someone who is willing to listen. Simon Sinek explains, in an Instagram post; when someone is in need, all they need is an eight-minute conversation with a friend to feel less alone. He recommends that, because our lives are so busy, and we don’t always immediately respond to a friend reaching out with a generic text saying “What are you doing? Want to come over?”, it is better to ask a friend directly if you can have eight minutes of their time. Anyone can step out of a meeting or pause their activities for eight minutes to call a friend to ask if they are okay. It is not about solving the problem, which will happen when there is more time; eight minutes is just long enough to make a friend feel supported. Some people might sometimes feel guilty for bothering a friend or taking up their time, but no one can feel guilty about taking up eight minutes. Dan Buettner, an American explorer, journalist and author known for his work on exploring the secrets of longevity, says that having at least three friends with whom you can laugh and who care about you on a bad day, is worth about eight years of life expectancy over being alone. No supplement or pill can provide the same benefits.
Friendship isn’t about who you have a lot of fun with. It’s who you can call at 3 a.m. and know they will answer – Oprah
I came across a Facebook post where someone wrote that she realised being a friend wasn’t something she was doing, but something she was receiving. We often express gratitude for having friends, but the true privilege is to be a friend. She explains that there is a unique joy in being allowed into someone’s life, being trusted with their story, and being chosen as a confidante. Knowing that your presence matters to someone you care about deeply. It is a gift that is given, not the other way around. Being needed is just as essential as needing others. Being someone’s friend isn’t something we do; it’s something we are allowed to be.
Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway – Greg Tamblyn
In another Instagram post, Simon Sinek describes a different type of close friend. He says we always talk about a close friend as the person you would call when you are in need – the person you cry with. However, he believes there’s an even closer level of friendship, where you can call someone when something amazing happens and they are not jealous. You can call them about something fantastic you’ve accomplished, received, or won and if you’ve told anybody else, they might think that you are bragging. However, that friend has unbridled joy with you and for you. Sinek says he has learned that the number of people he calls with good news is smaller than the number he calls with bad news.
The hardest part about growing up is having friends who live across the world from you, and saying “I’ll see you soon” can mean see you in six months, a year, or I don’t know when, but when I see you, it will feel like I saw you yesterday – Lewis Howes
I have tried to keep friends from the different stages in my life – a school friend, a friend I went to university with, a friend I met during my time as a registrar and at least one from every hospital I have worked at. Unfortunately, not all friendships withstand the test of time. As I moved around the country for work and was forced by life-changing experiences to change my outlook on life, I lost quite a few friends along the way. Mel Robbins says in her podcast titled “Why are adult friendships so hard?” that best friends aren’t always forever. Friends will come and go in your life, even your best friends. She acknowledges that friendships can fade or fizzle out as life pulls people in different directions. It doesn’t mean the friendship wasn’t real, meaningful or important. It also happened that friends find each other again after a period of not being so close.
While reflecting on my friendships, I remembered the poem “Reason, Season and a Lifetime” by Brian Chalker, which my mom gave to me to read when I struggled to navigate complex friendships as a teenager:
People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. Once you figure out which one it is, you’ll know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason; you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realise is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.
LIFETIME, relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway), and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being part of my life…
There is nothing I would do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature – Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey
I had trouble finding photos to accompany this blog post since I don’t have many photos of myself with my friends. But I realised that this is precisely what my friendships are about. We forget to take pictures, check in on Facebook, or post on Instagram because when we are spending time together, we forget about everything else for a moment. That’s what freinds are for!
