It is as if I had always waited for permission from someone to live my life. I sometimes wonder if I was raised to practice so much self-regulation that I learned to override instinct, desires and aspirations. I never made impulsive decisions and always considered those who my decision would affect. Even as a financially independent adult, I turned to my parents for guidance when making life-changing decisions. However, it was not so much guidance that I needed (I knew very well what to do); I was seeking their approval or permission to proceed. After qualifying as a cardiothoracic surgeon, I was already ”behind” in life compared to most women my age because I had spent so many years focusing on my work and studies. I was playing catch-up when I became a certified cardiothoracic surgeon and married within a year, but I struggled to make other big life decisions. I lost my Mom the year before, and while my husband could have given the nod of approval, the feminist in me did not want to consider his opinions about what I should do with my life.  

A mother is the one who can take the place of all others but whose place no one else can take – Cardinal Gaspard Mermillod 

During my twenties, I never felt I was old enough to marry or have children. “Wasn’t I still a child myself?”.  I’m unsure if it was because I never met the right guy or if maybe I did meet the right person to have children with but didn’t allow myself to entertain the idea. I looked at friends and colleagues getting married and having children and wondered, “Who gave you permission to do that? Are you allowed to take care of a child?”. Later, as a registrar in a conservative city, everybody was married with children. I wasn’t frantic about my biological clock ticking like some other unmarried women my age, but I thought that I would’ve liked to have the opportunity to choose to be a mother and not have the choice being made for me because I was single. 

The biological clock and the career clock are in total conflict with each other. When you have to have kids, you have to build a career. When you reach middle management, your teenagers need you, and that’s about the time your husband becomes a teenager, too – Indra Nooyi, CEO of PepsiCo

I was thirty-three when my husband proposed. Standing at the top of Rockefeller Centre, I looked around to see if there was someone who would give me permission to say “yes” and nervously asked my now-husband if he got permission from my father and brother before I allowed him to put the ring on my finger. After getting married, I couldn’t phantom the idea of motherhood without having my mom around. I thought I was being considerate towards my hypothetical child. I could barely manage being married and running a household, and I was still grieving the loss of my Mom. How could I possibly take care of another human being? Not only did I think that I wouldn’t know what to do with a child without my mother’s help, but there was no one to assure me that I was indeed capable, financially and emotionally, of taking care of a child. To be honest, I never had the instinctual force of nature to become a mother like one of my university friends who, at the age of twenty-one, one day exclaimed, “I was born to be a mommy”. So, I continued chasing a career and did what I could do best – continue to study.

But a woman is a changeling, always shifting shape, just when you think you have it figured out, something new begins to take – King, Florence and the Machine

My husband continued to say that I might want to have children in future. Every time he mentioned it, I immediately rejected the idea. I focused on building the career I thought I wanted. I spent so much time becoming a cardiothoracic surgeon that it was impossible to think that I must put my career on the back burner to have children. However, when I turned forty, I suddenly didn’t know who I was and what defined me. I didn’t fit in anywhere. I was a good doctor and on my way to being a great cardiac surgeon, but I wasn’t working tirelessly to save lives all day like I thought I would. I always considered myself a career woman, but I was certainly not the poster child of success. I also didn’t fit in with the women my age who put their careers aside to be homemakers and mothers. The women juggle work and raising children, who don’t have a minute for themselves and are respected for their hard work and sacrifice. I had enough free time to pursue frivolous hobbies and watch TV. I felt purposeless. Desperation to find purpose overtook my need for permission, and I decided that having a child would give me purpose. I will create someone who needs me. If then to no one else, it will matter to my child if I wake up every morning. I suddenly felt my biological clock ticking. It was ticking very loud and very fast! As a cardiothoracic surgeon, I was very aware of the risks involved in having a child at my age. Down syndrome babies with heart defects are part of my reality. Still, the ethical dilemmas regarding genetic testing and genetic abnormalities that might arise seemed less of a big deal for a while. 

We argue in the kitchen about whether to have children and about the world ending and the scale of my ambition – King, Florence and the Machine

I started dreaming about decorating the nursery. I created a Pinterest board with wallpapers and bassinets. I believed I would have a baby girl and was trying out names honouring both her grandmothers. I would give her the world and create opportunities for her to be anything. Working out the logistics of my planned motherhood in my mind, I realised that in fact, I needed permission for this decision. I needed my husband to approve and agree. I was jolted back to reality. After a discussion, my husband thought my reason for wanting a child was not good enough and quite selfish.  He explained that because he is over fifty, we, now even more than before, need to save for our retirement.  Having a twenty-year-old still financially dependent when he is seventy will be no joke. He also added that we have no support system. The few friends and family we have left are scattered across the country. I would have to quit my job to be a full-time mother. He said if a child was what I really wanted, he would just have to work harder and longer hours. For a moment, I thought, “If he provides, I can stop working and be an almost single mom”.

Grown don’t mean nothing to a mother. A child is a child. They get bigger, older, but grown. In my heart it don’t mean a thing – Toni Morrison

“Aren’t I allowed to be selfish about this?” I asked a friend over coffee. “Why do I have to consider whether a child who does not exist will be better off not being born at all?”. My friend is forty-two and midway through an IVF hormone cycle. She also married later in life. She has step-children whom she adores, but she realised that at school plays, she will always be the stepmom in the audience and wanted to attend for her flesh and blood.  “All the reasons for having children are fundamentally selfish”, she says. Not many people think about why they are having children – for most, it is just the next step, a picture to be completed. However, people mostly have children for selfish reasons: because they want someone to take over the family business one day, someone to carry their name, because they have a need to nurture or because they don’t want to die alone. I got a grip on myself and knew I had to try to envision my and my hypothetical child’s future. “What if this child does not give me the purpose I am looking for and just adds to the anxiety of trying so hard to manage my life?”. 

There is a natural energy within us to want to connect to other people – Dr Ramani Durvasula

However, I didn’t want to raise a child in a house with an absent father, and, if I was really honest, I was too scared to do it alone. After some introspection, I realised that my wanting a child was fueled by a craving for human connection. A connection I lost when my Mom died that I thought I could replace with a child of my own. And just like that, I mourned the loss of my Mom in a completely different way. I mourned her as a young wife who didn’t plan to fall pregnant with me so soon and everything she gave up for my brother and me. I wanted to tell her I finally discovered I could permit myself to do what I wanted. Unfortunately, for this decision, I realised it a little too late.  

We must reject not only the stereotypes that others hold of us but also. The stereotypes that we hold of ourselves – Shirley Chisholm

An Instagram post about menopause (yes, I’m starting to follow accounts about menopause) explained that females in only three species undergo menopause: elephants, killer whales and humans. Even though one of the female’s greatest powers is to create life, during evolution, they have evolved to lose this ability at some point in their lives. Older women, even those without offspring, are pertinent for the species’ survival. These three species rely on information to survive, and the purpose of older females is to educate and pass on wisdom to the younger generation. Dr Robin Hadley, who researched male broodiness and the impact of not having kids on older men, says that one doesn’t have to be a biological contributor to have a legacy or to pass something on. The concept of motherhood can be expanded to include women’s nurturing, guiding and loving roles in various aspects of life. All women are mothers in some way or another, even those without children. 

I am no mother, I am no bride, I am king – King, Florence and the Machine

I have accepted that I won’t have children, but my sentimental part still sometimes wonders, especially when unpacking my late Mom’s things, “Who will I pass it on to? Who will remember us?”. Then, I remind myself that my purpose is to nurture, guide and love the people in my life and those I encounter. The difference I make in their lives will be my legacy.